And Just Like That, It's Over (EDITED 05/29 10:48 CDT)

Now he is a Junior.

WE have finished our sophomore year.

Oddly, when I close my eyes, he's still 11 sitting on the stairs of the pool. His cheeks are chubby, his belly rolls moving just enough to make out the tan line that his sitting in an inner tube created on his still-kid skin. Arms out, "Daddy, catch me."

Then I open my eyes and I'm looking at my husband's senior picture (less the bad hair) in color. He's pulling into the driveway with the music too loud and the gas tank on empty asking, "What's for dinner? Oh, and I aced my final."

Excuse me, I have to go throw myself into a medicated existence until I'm done being over this.

With Regard to the Quiz:
Lindy is Correct.

JustMe made me laugh so hard my cheeks hurt.

@Pam-BoneHead!

It's a Quiz

What do the following all have in common?

Queen Elevate Airbed
Clear Garbage Pail
Health-o-Meter weight tracking scale
Clear Toilet Brush Holder
Drain Spade Shovel
Cultivator Pro Attachment
Bow Saw
8 Cup Rice Cooker
4 Bottles Ozarka Water
Bamboo Torch
7 1QT citronella

In Which My Husband Thinks...

He is going to get a little by helping me out... Or, an Interview with BS.

Over the past few months a good number of you have e-mailed me questions (122 to be exact) about BS's thoughts or opinions on a situation, or how he felt I handled a situation.

I took the first 10 questions and he's answered them. I have NOT edited his answers in anyway.

1. What do you think about Minnie having a blog?

I'm just fine with Minnie and her blog. She actually uses very little home time on it so it has no negative effect at the house. I know she enjoys the blog and definitely gets relief and some sanity from it so I am all for it.
Actually after I'm done cooking and cleaning for BS, the kid, and the dogs he you slips into his narcoleptic fit I pour a bottle glass of wine and blog.


2.What does she do the best?
Loaded Question # 1. My loaded answer to this is Everything that she attempts. All joking aside, Minnie is the best person I know at 2 things. She turns a difficult situation into a light situation very quickly and she never makes a hasty decision involving someone’s feelings.
He's into these conspiracy theories. "No body is trying to trick you, Babe. Answer the freaking question."

3. Where do you think she can improve In her blog? In your marriage? As a parent?
Loaded Question # 2. There is only one area that she could improve in and that would be A. I do not read her blog so I really don’t know if she could improve there, but B and C she is # 1.
REALLY? Honestly? I'd have to think if you were asked the same question in a smokey bar with your South East Texas posse that answer would be more like, "That bitch buys shoes, bleah, garlic and talks to her mother CONSTANTLY."

4. What is the hardest part about bringing someone into your children's life(s)?
Trying to convince the kids that there was a better life. It was much more difficult having someone in my life and them not knowing.
I Agree.

5. If you could change anything about their (Minnie and the kids) introduction, what would it be?
The only thing I would have changed about their introduction is that I would have made it happen sooner. Minnie was a little scared in the beginning. By the time they met, I was very comfortable that Minnie was going to be the best thing they had ever had in their life. At that time I didn’t know that Minnie would be the best mother figure for them, but it just worked out that they got the best mother figure as well as a good friend.
Yeah, I was weird about that. Because EVERY woman dreams of meeting the children of a woman who stalks her, calls her names, and physically threatens her. WTF? HELLO? BUELLER? Do you remember 2002-2004?

6. Do you and Daffy realize how much Minnie does for y'all?
Loaded Question # 3. I am 100% aware of what Minnie does. I can’t speak for Daffy, but by the decision he made on his living arrangements, I think he is on the right track to understanding as well. And besides, if we don’t acknowledge what she does in some small way, she takes something away from us just to remind us.
So clearly when my guys stopped bringing their dirty laundry to the laundry room, I didn't do it. For a LONG time. They looked like some ragged punks by day 5. But guess what? I don't have to remind them any more. Minnie giveth and Minnie taketh away.


7. Do you think your ex-wife does? Even if she won't call it out?
Certainly. Poor Minnie. The ex definitely knows and is not afraid to call it out to everyone she knows except us. Unfortunately, Minnie takes the brunt of this and the simple fact that myself and Daffy have moved on to a better life. The whole time I was married to my ex she was just fine with status quo. Now she just doesn’t accept it very well.
Oh sweet Lord have mercy on my Yankee soul, that bitch would have been through a wood chipper years ago.

8. All parents accepted, who is the most focused on the Kidlet's futures?
Minnie without a doubt.
I would agree. He's really greasing the wheels here though, isn't he?

9. Do you think you get a lot of support from your family? Minnie's family?
I feel that I get support from about 2% of my family. About 25% of my family supports me when they want or need something.
I can honestly say that 100% of Minnie’s family has been there the whole way.
I think that's true now, but the reality is that my family wasn't exactly thrilled in the beginning. Now, my family and my girlfriends are more support than we could have ever hoped for.

10. For Laura et. al.
(This is a picture of BS's legs, and blogger won't post it.)
I'll try and get it up over the weekend.

Thanks BS.

I'll try and get the next round of questions up soon. If you have additional questions for BS feel free to leave them as a comment or e mail me at minniesue at gmail dot com. Clearly he's game...

From Draft Mode to Blog Post

Dear Niece9,

Forgive what I lack in brevity in this post, I'll make up for it in content. While my initial thinking was to tell you that Uncle BS and I were otherwise engaged I don't see any point in sugar-coating the reality.

We will not attend your wedding because you're a selfish, self-centered, manipulative cow. Your proven track record of calling us only when you need something has worn on me to a point that I will no longer tolerate.

The amount of energy your and your band of cousins, aunts and mother expend to exclude me when you desire, and contact me when you need something, mainly financial is no longer acceptable. Therefore I will not be able to serve your guests.

Do not call me or my husband for anything other than an apology. We will not pay for showers, babysit, write letters of recommendation, co-sign loans, or provide you any more support then you have us.

Now I'm sure you're a bit confused by the babysitting reference, as you have no children. That's simply because I've taken the liberty of copying the other 8 nieces as well as your mother and your aunts.

For the sake of limiting further communication lets just assume that your wedding card is as lost in the mail as my invitation to your "other" shower, bachelorette party, and the wedding card you so thoughtfully sent to your Uncle and I.

Minnie

How I Roll...

EDITED 05/20/2009 2:19 CST: Per your e-mails/request I will post later what I had in my draft mode to send to her. I just can't cut and paste that much via crackberry.

My response to the initial request....


Niece9,

I'm sure you're getting very excited for your upcoming wedding. What a fun time! Unfortunately Uncle BS and I have another commitment that day so we're unable to attend. That being said, I appreciate you thinking of me in the serving capacity.

I'm not certain of (Daffy) and (Daisy) schedules yet but will know this evening or in the morning at the latest and let you know.

Thanks,

Minnie





Her response:



oh ok





My response:


Hi Niece9,

Daffy and Daisy will be there and are looking forward to it. Please let me know if there is anything in particular that you'd like them to wear*. Daisy is happy to help you with a punch.

Have a great day,

Minnie





*There have been several events where all the cousins dressed in a similar manner/theme. I KNOW!

They're Baaaaaack!

You know I'm not usually into linkage, but in order for you to follow me here, you're going to have to check these out....


This is the Hamburger Incident

This is the Shower Incident

This and This will forever be referred to as the Hurricane Ike Incident

This in another Shower Indecent


Yet another niece is getting married this summer. Her shower, of which I paid for a third of, and her gift, the largest on the registry, of which I paid for a third of has already come and gone.


So imagine my surprise to find out the week before last of the Bachelorette Party. The one at a rented beach house where every woman in the family, blood or marriage over the age of eighteen was invited to.


Except me.



Oddly, I knew of it because one of the nieces asked me to babysit so that she could go. Unfortunately, I'm unable to that weekend.

That being said, I've been pushed too far, and had a conversation with BS's Mom on Sunday evening about it. She was appreciative of my points, and understanding. I then asked her to share with anyone she felt would benefit from the statement that I was not to be asked to help host another shower, wedding, event. She was understanding of that.

The downside is that I feel badly for BS. He's always participated in the lives of his nieces and nephew. From driving to volleyball and swimming tournaments to helping them move to colleges. He was there for weddings, and provided support when they had their own children. In excluding me, they don't hurt me, I don't have any emotional interest invested into these people. They are hurting him.

The upside is that he's supportive of my decision and understands that I will no longer feel pressured to participate in any events with his family. If I want to attend something I will, If I don't, I will not. And I won't be remorseful.

We had a great conversation about all of this Sunday evening.

Last night I got an e-mail from the newest bride:

Hi (MINNIE)! I wanted to see if you would like to help serve the sangria at the wedding. I was hoping you would do that, and (Daisy) could serve the punch. What do you think?? Thanks! Niece 8

I literally cackled.

I haven't responded yet, but I'm asking for your suggestions...

Last Time. I Promise.

Unless something like this happens again....

It was well into the 90s, the sun beating down on my and my car the whole way home from work. There was that anxious feeling that comes with having had too many bottles of water and then sitting in traffic. I really have to go. Should I stop at the Sonic or just blow by this school bus and make it home?

Having NEVER done that type of thing before, I knew exactly which corner I could take the yellow machine of Summer-Fever infested sweaty children.

By the time I rolled into the neighborhood, my bladder was playing ping pong with my tonsils. Please don't let me wet myself in the driveway, please?

As I raced into the house, leaving the door wide open I realized the kidlet did, as instructed, set the alarm. Fuck! I'll never make it.

I backtracked into the foyer, to enter the code. As I stood there I was doing a shimmy-type dance where the insides of my thighs were chaffing one another thanks to a healthy portion of sweat.

System Disarmed declared the system. The red light turns to green and I run to the bathroom. Purse on one arm, laptop case on the other, keys and sunglasses dangling off my finger.

Lift the lid. I'm so close, so close sweet porcelain bowl of relief. Panties down...check, skirt up...check...

SPLASH

What the fuck?

NOOOOOOOOOOO

Sunglasses in commode.

Mother of God! Please say it isn't so.

Reach in, grab shades. May have trickled on my wrist.

Once I realize all foreign objects were clear of my stream I went ti ti for approximately 12 minutes. (Well not really, but close. In fact I think I weighed less when I was done.)

I stripped my work clothes and decided that I was very impressed with myself for being so forward thinking in my dinner plans. All I had to do was take the plate of marinated carnage to the grill and let BS and Daffy slap it around some.

The salad was made, the corn on the cob would go on the grill with the meat, and I, I was going to have a cocktail.

I sat down on the porch swing and took that first sip. I was wonderful. I leaned down to pet Puppy, and Puppy2 was happily rolled on his back allow me to stroke him with my foot.

Peace, beautifully, silent, interrupted by my cell...

"Call from Stupid Bitch."

URGH!

"Hello?"

"Hey Girl, I just wanted to see if you was gonna get me those leis."

"Yes, I did. They're be here in a few days."

"Well how much do I owe you?"

"Truthfully, don't worry about it. The were less than $.22 each. I ordered 100. All orders over $20.00 were free shipping and there was no tax."

"So how much was that."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I don't spect y'all to pay for it."

No I meant you can't do that math. This could get fun.

"Well I got 100 of them at 22 cents each."

"So what was the total?"

Am I being Punk'd?

"Jeesch, I don't have a calculator, what's 100 times 22?"

"Oh, hell, you're the one that went to college."

Please dear Lord of all that is Holy did she just really say that?

"Yeah, it's $22.00."

"Well how much did it cost to get em here?"

"It was free shipping on all orders over $20.00."

"A'right, I'll send you a check."

"Don't worry about it, put it in Daffy's gas tank."

"You want me to put money in his gas tank? Oh, y'all got one of those hide-a-key thing.s"

Is this happening, for real?

"No, I meant give him the money and tell him to go get gas."

"A'right."

"Hey, my other line is going, so let me run."

"Okay."

I'm Not Your Moloi`eheme

Seriously, this is getting ridiculous.

All I've ever asked of BM is to keep her trap closed and don't aggravate me. You don't even have to be nice to me. Just don't aggravate me.

Don't steal things from our home, don't call us names to family members, don't tell the kids their Father doesn't live with them because of me, don't crop and edit pictures making it look like we're knocking boots all over the Lone Star and send that shit to NY. That's all I've asked.

So you might imagine my surprise on Sunday when BS and I were visiting some friends and my cell phone rang displaying "Call From Stupid Bitch."

Perfect, I though, Happy Stinking Mother's Day to ME!

The truth is she was more than cordial, wished me a Happy Mother's Day and then said, "So I was cleaning out the garage...Yeah, can you believe that shit, cleaning out the muthaflucking garage on my day?... and I found these signs that say like Happy Fall, The (insert last name here) and wanted to know if you wanted them." Except if you could say all that while slurring, that would be more accurate.

I told her I appreciated it, but I wasn't really into yard art.

Her next stab was a wooden sign that was shaped like a football displaying Daffy's old team and number, and did I want that.

I told her I appreciated it, but since he has a different number, different school, and different colors, that it probably wouldn't be worth it.

From that she must have gathered that what I meant was, sure clean out your garage, throw all your shit in Daffy's truck and send it to our house where I'll summarily throw it on the burn pile.

Which she did.

And I did.

Daffy didn't want the sign but said, "Mom said you wanted this? For what?"

"I just wanted you to have to make one more trip to the burn pile today. No I'm kidding, I guess she just misunderstood me."

And so last night when Daffy walked into the kitchen and asked if BM had called me, I took a deep breath and felt my hiney cringe.

"No, why?"

"Something about some stuff she wants for her wedding and it's really expensive down here but someone said it was cheap in NY."

And so I called her.

And um, um, um, um, is this wedding going to be the shit.

That's right, I just got her an additional one hundred PLASTIC leis "...Cos the party stores down here want more then a dollar a piece for that shit and I ain't got no money.*"

Yes she did.

*I got them for a quarter a piece, we'll consider that my wedding gift in addition to the Tiki Bar light up sign that I bought her last week. Yes I did.

Mother's Day, My Way

I had a beautiful post written singing the praises of my Mother, as well as all of the other women in my life who have helped me become the woman, mother, and wife that I am.

And then Blogger ate it.

And then I realized that's so not Me anyway. So on this day I share with you the most critical, solid piece of parenting advice that I have...

If you think it's hard raising your children, try raising someone Elses'.

Ho'omaika'i

According to the Hawaiian Embassy at the corner of Google and Jeeves, that, my friends is how you say "Congratulations."

Oh, did you think we were going to Hawaii? No, it's better. I've drafted this post a million times, by I think the delivery would be best served in the form of a shared conversation.

TWS: I'm glad you guys had a nice time.

Heids: So what have I missed the past week of so?

TWS: (insert random miscellany regarding family, food, weather) and BM is getting married.

Heids: What?

TWS: Yes, he proposed at the keg party they threw for her birthday. They're getting married by the JP over 4th of July weekend and they're having a luau at their house that Saturday.

Heids: How do you know all this?

TWS: I had to call her last week because I was taking Daisy out of school. No point in infecting her to swine flu.

Heids: And she told you all this?

TWS: Yes. I just told her about Daisy, and that took all of 45 seconds, as we were ending the call I said, 'By the way, congratulations, Daffy said you'd gotten engaged. That's great.'

Heids: Did you offer sympathies for the poor bastard?

TWS: Right. No but seriously, she then talked for over a half hour about the luau in the back yard. Amongst rusty fences, cars on blocks, six dogs, a mule and random animal life that gets them an agriculture exemption on their taxes.

Heids: Daffy BETTER get pictures.

TWS: Actually I blogged about that. If he doesn't I will.

Heids: WHAT? Don't EVEN tell me...

TWS: Oh yeah, when I was still trying to get off the phone with her and she was describing, 'them hula-grassy skirt things, I found me 8 of 'em at the Dollar*Tree.' She also said, 'Well y'all will see them at the party.'

After uproarious laughter and a possibility of bladder leakage I ended my call with Heids. That's when BS turned around and said, "You're not really considering setting foot over there, are you?"

"Sweet heart, don't you know me at all? I'll be there with my flip camera, my canon, my lap top, an air card and a coconut bra if I get an invitation."

And I promise you all, trust a bitch if you don't think you'll hear my ass in the background yelling "Ho'omaika'i!"

"How DID Y'All Meet?" Part XIX

If you're wondering what happened the eighteen times I've told this story before this post, check this out.

"Ahhhh!" I yelped. Which in my opinion is not an unrealistic response to one opening up one's garage door in the dark to enter a home that's supposed to be empty and finding a man standing there in the dark.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, pasting my wet tee shirt into my chest in an effort to keep my heart from jumping out.

"We're going home."

There he stood, shoes off, tie untied, shirt partially unbuttoned, jacket draped over his arm, totally nonchalant.

"What?" I asked.

"We're moving. Chicago went good. I got the promotion. We're moving. The movers will be here on Tuesday to do a preliminary walk through. You can fly home Tuesday night. The realtor will call you tomorrow. You can pick any house you want."

I stared at the gold toes tipping his socks and maintained my gaze at the floor.

"I didn't know you were up for another promotion. I thought we were on this job for 18 months."

"Where were you?" he asked.

"Running."

"Alone?"

Ah yes, that refreshing 20 hours without accusation was far more than I was entitled to.

"No with boyfriends, they're in the driveway, mind if I have them in for a drink? Yes, I was alone."

"I hate when you run by yourself in the dark. It's a beautiful night though, isn't it?"

I made my way through the foyer and opened a bottle of water. When I'd finished it, I showered, walked back into the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine. The house was quiet as I opened the door to walk down to the dock.

The incessant beeping from the alarm system made it clear that the back door had been opened. I could hear his bare feet moving through the grass. I closed my eyes, and breathed in the smell of a spring night.

"It smells like Spring, doesn't it?" I asked him.

"I know you might not have been prepared for us moving so soon, but you'll have all the help you need. It won't be that bad. Plus we'll be so close to home," he tried to tell me.

"It's weird, for whatever reason, I've spent the better part of our time here going home as often as I could and counting the days until we could be back in a city with real pizza, a decent theatre district, and bagels, and now all of a sudden I feel like I like it here."

"What are you saying?" He gasped. Mouth agape, eyes wide, stance noticeably tense.

"That this place kind of grows on you, doesn't it?" I asked? "Kind of like a yeast infection. It's upon you before you know what the hell happened, and then you go from being disgusted by the 8th grade vocabulary to saying things like, 'Y'all wanna come by for dinner?'" I provided what I thought was an easy enough answer.

ANGER.

RAGE.

FURY.

"It's because of your boyfriend! That piece of shit redneck! What the hell are you doing?"

Without one word I rose from the bench, walked passed him and back to the house. I had no intention of arguing. I wanted to sleep. I was drained, physically from nap on the floor, my run, my puke-fest and mentally because the passed week my once tidy, regimented, socially acceptable life had been turned on it's ass.

"I'm going to bed. I'll be happy to discuss this with you tomorrow by you will NOT, under any circumstances raise your voice or make this about BS."

That is the one and only moment that my husband ever put his hands on me.

That is also one of the most defining moments in my life.